I’m not confused about what I want.
I know exactly what I want; and I know that what I want is what I can’t have.
So why am I noncommittal, why do I spend time trying to convince myself of what/who I know I lack interest in, why do I play games with myself and others?
Maybe its because society has taught me to always chase after something. Maybe its because everyone around me is always with someone. Or maybe its just because some days I’m really lonely.
Whatever it is, I know this pattern will continue as long as I reside in Santa Barbara.
Which is both a comfort and a burden.
Also, this whole teaching in south korea possibility
is looking pretty awesome.
I’m not where I should be in my walk with God.
And it makes me angry to say that.
And confused, because I can’t decide whether to dive in head first,
or step back to see the bigger picture again.
But mostly it just makes me angry.
Which is a sign, though I’m not sure of what.
The problem is, I just don’t know what I want.
I feel as through I am 2 different people, but I only seem to give attention to one of them.
Part of Jen is very outgoing and social, a little crazy, and always up for adventure. I love that Jen. She makes so many friends and has such a love for life and exploration. It baffles me, sometimes, the things she’s capable of accomplishing.
But there’s also introverted Jen. And she needs time for herself, to process her life from past, present, and future. She needs quite and tranquility, and time alone to reset and appreciate herself and her successes (and failures).
However, I never give time to the second Jen. I forget she is there until all of the sudden I just want to run away from everything and everyone. It’s not even that I don’t like the calmer aspect of myself. I just forget that it’s a necessary act, to give time to myself. To do nothing, when so much of life is filled with something at all times.
Now that I see this, the next step is to begin preventative therapy. To slow down long enough to pencil myself in.
Because I will never have time for God if I don’t even make time for myself.
Perhaps it’s not even that God has been silent. Perhaps I have just not been still. “Be still, and know that I am God”.
Always throwing curve balls aren’t ya?
Just when I get a teeny tiny inclining of the way my life should be going for the moment, boom. You flip it upside down.
I have to admit, it’s really helping me learn to embrace (and expect) change. However, what it is not teaching me is commitment. Something I have more issues with every day.
I enjoy waking up wondering “what am I going to learn today?”
But if I could put in just a small request, somewhere soon in these daily lessons, I’d really appreciate learning how to balance it all.
Because right now I feel like the only breaks I take are to tend to someone else. Not even in a needy way, but I simply can’t seem to figure out how to find time for me. I’m getting dangerously close to leaving my phone in the cupboard for a week or two, just to enjoy some silence.
/sigh. But the truth is, I don’t like being alone too long either.
I can’t wait for Sunday.
I want to go to church. To praise You for what You’ve given me, to reset my mind an heart, and to (as always) ask more questions than You’ll give answers.
I know I complain a great deal, but I really do appreciate the curve balls. More than anything, I appreciate coming out strong on the other side. And for the friends that help get me there :]
